I found a lump not long ago.  The kind us girls don’t want to find. 

This came after months of doctor’s visits and tests in various forms for a variety of health reasons – mammograms, ultrasounds, CT scans, MRI’s, biopsies . . . I had done them all.

And I had waited on results over and over again.

But what I did even more of was waiting on God.

Learning to be still and wait patiently and quietly through the unknown.

Because who wants to live in fear?  Certainly not me.

Instead, my fervent and passionate pursual was PEACE.

I’ll admit, after the season dragged on, I began to question God.  Specifically, “WHAT, God, are you trying to teach me?  Why do I keep having issue after issue?  And when will this season ever end?”

With no apparent answers from him, I did the only thing that made sense. 

I made Isaiah 26:3 my goal:

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Bear in mind that this was my goal.  That doesn’t mean I did it well every day.

I had no answers.  But I knew one thing.  He would carry me through.

And each day I felt unrest, I knew there was only one place I could go to settle my soul.

I began to ask God to give me peace with whatever news I received as a result of each test.  Because I had no control over any of it. 

But I knew that he did.

So, I asked, “Lord, get me ready.  Let me hear each result with an attitude of trust.  And in the meantime, don’t let me cave to fear.  Instead, keep my eyes ever focused on you.”

Because eyes that look upward in the midst of chaos will see things in a whole new light.

And I pondered what I knew: that there was a purpose for each test and for the months of waiting on God. The strengthening of my faith.  The cultivating of patience.  The deepening of my trust.

I learned that just as I was waiting on God, he was also waiting on me.

So the LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the LORD is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.   – Isaiah 30:18

Eventually my season of tests, more tests, and waiting for results did come to an end. And by the grace of God, all with favorable news.

Then just when I thought I was in the clear, I found the dreaded lump.

I couldn’t help but think, “Really God?  After all of this?”

For a moment, it felt like a cruel joke.

But before I let my thinking get carried away, I turned to him with that familiar question.

“What, God, are you trying to teach me?”

And then I noticed something. 

That despite my first frustrated thought, I hadn’t ordered up my usual plate of unsettling fear.  I didn’t meditate on all the horrible things that were sure to happen.

Instead, I realized, I have done this before.  And I can do it again. 

That’s when I knew that God had been refining me, training me, teaching me the power of waiting peacefully.

It was an AHA moment for me, and one that gave me a tiny little glimpse into God’s mighty purposes. 

A reminder that God doesn’t waste a minute of hardship.

But that he uses it to change us into better, more faithful people.

Amazingly, and literally ONLY by the grace of God, I managed to see the doctor and have an ultrasound before the week’s end. 

A sigh of relief.  I’m okay.

“Thank you, Jesus, for the okay-ness.  But not just in my body – in my soul.”

Through it all, I had learned to wait well, and to find peace through the unknown.

And so can you.

During this difficult season, God did have something to say to me.  The following was written in my personal prayer journal:

He Says:

My dear one, as you traverse through this difficult season, lean hard on me. Continue to praise me, as this lightens the murkiness of a dark day. Remind yourself of my promises for you. Cling to my hope, and trust me through this journey. Don’t grumble through the difficulties, but build your trust, your peace, and your ability to maintain joy. March ahead, trusting me each day, through each thing, and with each burden. Remember, my yoke is easy and my burdens are light. I will carry for you what you give me, so be quick to hand it over. Persevere. You’ll get through this, stronger than ever before, a testament to the power of Christ in one’s humble life.

If you find yourself walking the same path I did, don’t be discouraged, friend.  Trust in the one who can hold you up — the one who has a perfect purpose and plan for your life. 

Trust in the one who loves you best.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again — my Savior and my God!    – Psalm 43:5